SYMPTOM | FAULT |
ACTION TO BE TAKEN |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet. | Mouth not open while drinking Glass being applied to wrong part of face. |
Buy another pint and practise in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. |
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. | Glass empty. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling. |
| Feet warm and wet. | Loss of self control. | Go and stand next to the nearest dog - after a while complain to it's owner about it's lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation. |
| Bar blurred. | You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. | Find someone who will buy you another pint. |
| Bar swaying. | Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress. | Insert a broom handle down back of jacket. |
| Bar moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being carried to another pub - if not complain loudly that you are being hijacked. |
| You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles, and has a fluorescent strip across it. | You have fallen over backwards. | if glass is still full and no-one is standing on your drinking arm , stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar. |
| Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthfull of dog-ends and teeth. | You have fallen over forwards. | As for falling over backwards. |
| You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. | You have spent the night in the gutter. | Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not, treat yourself to a lie-in. |
| Everything has gone dark. | The pub is closing. | Panic!! |