THE SHIT LIST
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> > > >
> > > > THE GHOST SHIT
> > > > The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper,
> > > > but there's no shit in the bowl.
> > > >
> > > > THE CLEAN SHIT
> > > > The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's
> > > > no shit on the toilet paper.
> > > >
> > > > THE WET SHIT
> > > > You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up
> > > > putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't
> > > > ruin
> > > > them with those dreadful skid marks.
> > > >
> > > > THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
> > > > This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees,
> > > > and you suddenly realise you have to shit some more.
> > > >
> > > > THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
> > > > Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so
> > > > much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
> > > >
> > > > THE CORN SHIT
> > > > No explanation necessary.
> > > >
> > > > THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
> > > > The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
> > > > without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
> > > >
> > > > THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
> > > > The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
> > > > It's most noticeable trait is the trade mark left on the bottom of the
> > > > toilet bowl after you flush.
> > > >
> > > > THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
> > > > The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out
> > > > all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
> > > >
> > > > THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
> > > > Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of your
> > > > ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
> > > >
> > > > THE LIQUID SHIT
> > > > That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
> > > > splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
> > > > chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
> > > >
> > > > THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
> > > > A class all its own.
> > > >
> > > > THE CROWD PLEASER
> > > > This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
> > > > show it to someone before flushing.
> > > >
> > > > THE MOOD ENHANCER
> > > > This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
> > > > allowing
> > > > you to be your old self again.
> > > >
> > > > THE RITUAL
> > > > This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the
> > > > aid of a newspaper.
> > > >
> > > > THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
> > > > A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
> > > >
> > > > THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
> > > > This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
> > > > within the next 7 hours is affected.
> > > >
> > > > THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
> > > > This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
> > > >
> > > > THE GROANER
> > > > A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
> > > >
> > > > THE FLOATER
> > > > Characterised by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface
> > > > after many flushings.
> > > >
> > > > THE RANGER
> > > > A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a
> > > > rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push
> > > > it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
> > > >
> > > > THE PHANTOM SHIT
> > > > This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting
> > > > it there.
> > > >
> > > > THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
> > > > Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you.
> > > > Requires patience and muscle control.
> > > >
> > > > THE BOMBSHELL
> > > > A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
> > > > inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
> > > > are nowhere near shitting facilities.
> > > >
> > > > THE SNAKE CHARMER
> > > > A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
> > > > position - usually harmless.
> > > >
> > > > THE OLYMPIC SHIT
> > > > This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive
> > > > event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the
> > > > Drinker's Shit.
> > > >
> > > > THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
> > > > This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
> > > > woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
> > > >
> > > > THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
> > > > An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift
> > > > from God when you actually CAN'T shit.
> > > >
> > > > PREMEDITATED SHIT
> > > > Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
> > > >
> > > > SHITZOPHERENIA
> > > > Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
> > > >
> > > > ENERGISER Vs DURACELL SHIT
> > > > Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
> > > >
> > > > THE POWER DUMP SHIT
> > > > The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
> > > > you're done.
> > > >
> > > > THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
> > > > This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all
> > > > over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from
> > > > the Lincoln Log Shit.)
> > > >
> > > > THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
> > > > The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got
> > > > to be coming out sideways.
> > > >
> > > > THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
> > > > Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size
> > > > of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in
> > > > the rectum for some time afterwards.
> > > >
> > > > THE PORRIDGE SHIT
> > > > The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming.
> > > > You have two choices: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up
> > > > to your butt while you sit there helpless.
> > > >
> > > > THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
> > > > When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of
> > > > your
> > > > rectum on the way out in the morning.
> > > >
> > > > THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
> > > > When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and
> > > > make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
> > > >
> > > > THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
> > > > Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
> > > > anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently
> > > > near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for
> > > > air.
> > > >
> > > > THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
> > > > Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to
> > > > drop
> > > > off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
> > > >
> > > > well i hope you enjoyed that or did it make you sick
