Would you take a bullit for Katie Holmes?

This was posted a while back on alt.fan.katie holmes and was in reply to a thread "would you take a bullet for Katie Holmes?".

Take a bullet for Katie...hmmmmm that's a tuff question..... I don't believe any one could seriously say yes or no right off the bat...there are many things that must first be considered...

  1. How well the press conference was going.
  2. How well Katie was dressed.
  3. How well I was dressed.
  4. How well the assassin was dressed.
  5. If I had a fire arm.
  6. If Katie had a fire arm.
  7. Wind temperature.
  8. Ambient light.
  9. If I had a bullet resistant vest on.
  10. If Katie had a bullet resistant vest on.
  11. Whether or not there was ample media coverage of my heroic deed.
  12. The barometeric pressure.
  13. The rate of growth of Iceland's GDP.
  14. Whether or not there was some other poor bastard I could throw in front of the bullet yet somehow still receive credit.
  15. The type of weapon used by the assassin.
  16. Whether or not wine, other assorted alcoholic beverages and or nibbles were served.
  17. Probability of death and permanent disability.
  18. Probability of Katie being for ever in debt to me for saving her life.
  19. Possible fringe benefits I would receive from Katie for saving her life.
  20. Possible fringe benefits I would receive from Katie if I was permanently disabled.
  21. Fringe benefits I'd have no chance of receiving regardless of whether I saved her life.
  22. Possibility that I could get a part on Dawson's Creek and open a whole can of woop ass on that fruit Dawson.
  23. Whether or not the floor was soft or hard.
  24. Whether or not there was a clear winner for the up and coming US Presidental election.
  25. See number 2.
  26. Think about number 2 some more.
  27. How many rounds (in the case of a gun) the assassin had.
  28. My current level of health cover.
  29. Whether or not multiple Keyhole satellites were locked on to my current position.
  30. Whether or not I was in a state that had the death penality for attempted assassinations.
  31. Whether or not there was ample funds in my bank account to buy the rights to the movie "In the Line of Fire Again"
  32. Probability I'd be shot in the groin region.
  33. Possible effects that being shot in the groin could have on the receit of fringe benefits from Katie.
  34. My current level of physical ability.
  35. Probability of me "picking up" a member of the female species at the press conference.
  36. Probability of me "picking up" after I'm known internationally for my heroic deed.
  37. Probability of me "picking up" if I'm shot in the groin.
  38. Possibility of me spilling or dropping any alcoholic beverages and or nibbles while saving Katie.
  39. Possible alcoholic beverages I'd miss out on while in intensive care.
  40. Possibility of spounge baths from nurses while in intensive care.
  41. Possibility of spounge bath from Katie while in intensive care.
  42. Number 2.
  43. Possible drop in my ability to consume alcohol if I'm shot in the liver.
  44. The possibility I don't have a liver to stop the bullet due to past episodes in which copious amount of alcohol have been comsumed.
  45. Whether or not thousands of internet web pages and several newgroups were set up in my honour.
  46. Whether or not there were nude pics of Katie circulating the internet, that weren't just unbelievable doctorings.
  47. Probability I'd personally receive nude pics having saved Katie's life.
  48. Whether or not Monica Lewinski was still with Jenny Craig.
  49. What Monica Lewinski is wearing. (If successful on the Jenny Craig program).
  50. Current advances in both DVD and Hair Replacement technologies.
  51. Whether or not Katie is worth more alive then dead.
  52. If more dead, then probability that im in the will.
  53. Whether or not my patheitic excuse for a life is worth give up to save Katie's.
  54. Whether or not it was my destiny to become Katie's saviour.
  55. Whether or not I was the assassin, cuz if I was then I'd just be commiting suicide.
  56. Whether or not the fat arse body guard's would break my legs because they thought I was attacking Katie.
  57. Whether or not Kaite even has body guards
  58. Whether or not Katie is ticklish and I could make her laugh while I was in an uncomprehensible amount of pain. (especailly if shot in the groin).
  59. Number 2.
  60. Whether or not i've spent to much time on this reply.

This was posted by someone and I dont know who, if you do then please email me so I can give them credit :)